Well I find life post pain patch a lot harder than I would have expected. I want to cry right now for absolutely no reason. And on top of that I find myself getting the chills all the time. It’s hard to stay positive right now. It amazes me how a medicine that has such a positive side can cause so much pain, despair, and doubt. I feel like I am stuck in a dark room with no light right now. I look forward to the morning because hope may renew.
Tag Archive - Despair
I hate this – a life on the edge of change
Life can never be simple
Guess what…… I have 2 broken bones in my foot and will be having surgery next week. There are no words that I can use to express how I feel. All I can say is that this was not my first choice of things to do next week. On a side note I don’t have a lot of pain from the broken bones. A normal person would have gone to the ER with pain from a break like this. What a time, hey?
Resolute resolution through the good, bad, and ugly times of life
I have been thinking of all that I have gone through this last year. I am amazed of all that I have endured. I had 3 operations and over 10 months of non-weight bearing on my left foot. I wonder how I came through the pain, disappointment, fear and long nights which at times made me lose sight of morning. During the new year many people make resolutions because they feel that during the next year they will be able to make all of those changes in their lives that they deem necessary to fix a problem they have. After the year that I have been through I don’t care about resolutions….. I want to be resolute in my remembrance of how I overcame each hour of need. Continue Reading…
The sovereignty of God expressed in a mortal man
So, today I went to the doctor to find out what will be happening to my foot. First let me say that I went to the doctor with my mind prepared that I would be looking at a major surgery and months of recovery. I know God is in control and I rest and trust in Him.
The doctor last saw me 6 weeks ago and at that point my foot was moving a good amount. Today they preformed a stress test on my foot. A stress test requires the doctor to use a lot of force to move my foot and measure how far it moves. It is not a “happy” thing to go through. So, I grit my teeth and the doc moved my foot around. I thought that it moved a lot and I was preparing to schedule the surgery in my mind. I am so sick of being sick….. yet I know that God is in control. Continue Reading…
Soo… Yeah, life still sucks… Yet, I am fine? (A rant to God)
I am a ragamuffin in this world. I have no hope in myself. I think about all the dreams and hopes that I used to have for my life, and I think I will never know them. I feel like I am caught in a cycle of illness and despair with no way out except when God wills it. I am scared.
The Bible says that God is doing everything for my good. I believe that to be true. It is another thing to know it in your heart. Over the last 4 years of continued set backs I have come to know that God is doing something, but how is this for my good. What future can be found in the midst of this. I know that this world is not my home but I pray that God will grant me peace, rest, and joy in this life. My heart aches right now. Continue Reading…
A long road with my Lord through a valley of despair
So….. I went to the doctor today. Lets just say that everyone there was surprised to see me today. I had an appointment on tuesday and upon leaving then everything was looking great. Today is a new day indeed. After they were over the shock that my foot was moving the doctor tried to figure out what was happening to my foot. the first x-ray showed that everything looked great. Well that was a bit puzzling since I knew that my foot was moving. Next we did a different x-ray called a “stress x-ray” (from the hame you can infer that it is a tid bit painful) which was able to show that the fusion has indeed failed. Continue Reading…
Sleep is no escape from lost hope and uncertainty
I fell asleep last night after the stress of finding out my surgery failed. Sleep was a haven for me last night. As I fell deep asleep there were no fears, doubts, worries, or anguish in my mind. I was adrift in the peace of my mind… It was kind of pleasant…
Then I woke up and the peace was obliterated by the in rush of reality. I was still here with a totally messed up foot and a lot of uncertainty.
So that is the situation I find myself in today.
One really bad night tonight akin to a hellish wilderness in winter
Tonight I am at an all time low. Back in February I had an operation where my left ankle and foot were fused together. It had a 70 % chance of working and it failed. Tonight I went to ice my ankle which was hurting. I realized that my foot was moving and it should never move. So what is next, I don’t know. I am weary and tired of all of my health problems. I know deep down that everything that happens in my life is for a reason and it is for the glory of God. Why would God choose me as his tool? I am not sure. All I can say is that God is in control. I am in despair right now yet hopeful that I know that this is all God ordained.
