I’m in a mood right now where I am bitter, angry, and a little depressed about life. I kind of wish for death right now in a non-suicidal way. It would be so much nicer to be in heaven than here on earth. I can’t say where this weariness comes from but all I know it is here right now. I know that God is still in control and that He will meet my needs but right now I am struggling . I feel like I am stuck and in a room with no doors or windows. What am I doing in life? Where am I going? I have absolutely no idea. It is driving me crazy. I would just give up but that is against my nature. What is really weird is that earlier today I was feeling normal and happy. Life will seem normal in the morning but for now I am waiting for a good night sleep so I can forget life.
Transparency in the down times of life.
Reflections on wisdom and folly
Tonight I was challenged by Jim Vining to think about Proverbs and the essence of wisdom and folly. When we look at wisdom and folly side-by-side it is easy to see the overwhelming supremacy of wisdom over folly. How often are we faced with that stark contrast in real life? Jim made a point that wisdom is not something that we gain passively but we are invited into a relationship with wisdom. What is the underlying issue with wisdom? I look back on my journey and I see that there is a complexity to wisdom. I entered into a walk with Jesus as my personal savior many years ago and I was foolish and always visiting the door leading to folly. Many years later my relationship with Jesus has grown and developed and I use wisdom more and see things in a clearer manner. What happened over the last 20 years? I think foundation is key. Continue Reading…
Uncommon Hero
I sit and dream of glory, love, and adventure. Is it the boy in me that wishes he were able to rescue a girl? Is it the hero’s in the books I read that makes me want to be one? Is it the adventure I see in the movies I watch and the video games I play? At first glance I feel stuck where I am and I don’t see any way out of the monotony of my life in to the life I wish for myself. I wonder if this life I live is all that I will ever have? I think it is common that people desire more in their life but I think my problem lies in my perspective. As the saying goes “The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.” but in my life if I hop the fence I will find a barren wasteland. Continue Reading…
grace 1.0
Over two months ago I started a meditation on what grace is with my grace 0.5 post and this is what I have come to understand through my journey. I am a failure! How often do I find my self stuck in the muck and mire of daily life and I each time I think that I can help myself. My desire for independence clouds the reality of my hopelessness. I stand so long thinking that I am able to anything I want. I am conceded and confident because I can gain the favor of men. Since I can gain the favor of men there is no reason why I can’t gain God’s favor. This thinking is why I so often feel adrift and hopeless because I am relying and centered on what I perceive I can do. Continue Reading…
grace 0.5
I have been starting to read through The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning and I have been beaten down by the truth of God’s Grace. I have always thought of grace as that unmerited favor God bestows upon me but I don’t think the reality of what grace is sunk in until this afternoon. My thoughts about grace were not wrong but I never fully digested how grace needs to be understood fully and taken to heart before a wondrous world opens up.
As any christian would attest to we struggle daily with sin in many different forms whether it is vanity, lust, hate, sex, drugs, alcohol, pride, pornography, apathy the list is endless. I know many times I have looked at sin in my life and thought, “You know God doesn’t want me to look at this or that so I am going to do THIS to fix it!” It is a constant cycle that I have found myself in time and time again. If I only were able to get this straightened out. Continue Reading…
final moments
I have been thinking a lot about moments in my life where I had an experience that change my life to the core for the rest of my life. These moments may be joyful or painful but they are moments that shape us.
Spring 1997 – I was a freshman in college and I was stuck in a rut that I didn’t know how to get out of. I had started listening to music that was full of foul lyrics and also smoking cigars because my ‘friends’ in college were doing that. I remember crying myself to sleep one evening when I had hit a wall where I knew I was created for a life where I didn’t need these things in my life but I didn’t know how to get out of the rut I was in. Continue Reading…
I’m tired, but not down
I am in an interesting place right now; I feel bashed, bruised and hurt. I find the lyrics to Charlie Hall’s song Marvelous Light express everything I am feeling.
Marvelous Light – Charlie Hall
“i may be down but i will rise
it may be dark but God is light”
I have come through so many surgeries one after another I wonder why I can go on. I keep getting bashed by waves and I think that I will crumble and break with every hit but I never do. I find my self in a dark moment but I know that the ultimate light is God and I can rest in the midst of my circumstances.
“Sin has lost it’s power
Death has lost it’s sting
From the grave You’ve risen, Victoriously.
Into marvelous light I’m running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the light, You are the way.”
How many times I tread the paths of sin yet it does not have any power over me. My problems in this life have now bite or sting to me. Even if my current circumstances were to lead to my death. That is not the end because Jesus Christ my Savior rose victoriously from the dead.
This life I live today is only possible by what Christ did. I am worthless with out that saving grace God gave. Many times I may find my mind dark, hurting and clouded but I am always running toward the light. The darkness cannot stand against the Light. For that I am thankful.
“I once was fatherless
A stranger with no hope
Your kindness wakened me
Wakened me from my sleep”
A lethargic state of mind is not a place where a person wants to exist. I remember when I awoke from that mind set where I didn’t care about God to one where He is Abba Father. Why God chose me to bring Himself glory I cannot say but I am thankful.
“You’re love it beckons deeply
A call to come and die
By grace now i will come
Take this life, take Your life
My dead heart now is beating
My deepest stains now clean
You’re breath fills up my lungs
Now I’m free, now I’m free
Lift my hands and spin around
See the light that i have found
O the marvelous light, marvelous light”
How thankful I am for that beckoning love that God expresses to me. Can I approach God and know Him? I am constantly losing focus and not seeking God but He is the relentless force of my life that never fails or recedes. Thank you for that Lord. I long for the day when I will actually see Your marvelous light. Until that day help me! Help me please!
A form of passion?
I sit here tonight and I am passionately praying. I cannot express the turmoil I feel in my heart and I do not know exactly what I’m praying for. I am passionately asking God for help because he knows exactly why I am praying. When I think about the praying I do not find myself praying passionately. Passion is a strong barely controllable emotion which is what am experiencing right now. I may be doing things like writing this blog post, listening to music, or reading a book later but my mind in not dwelling in these activities. My soul is crying out to God for help! I know God is faithful and will answer my prayer in His perfect way. What an awesome form of worship this is! I have many times taken prayer too lightly but not right now. Continue Reading…
On sitting and waiting…
I have been battling with worry lately. Since my surgery four weeks ago today I have not been able to do much of anything. My life has consisted of 7 hours of sleep and 17 hours sitting in a recliner. I miss being able to walk. With the last surgeries I have been able to get out on crutches and drive so it made the healing process more tolerable. I can’t drive and the little moving I do on crutches has caused a sore on the one foot that bears all my weight when I crutch. This foot is the one that was fused and has taken 5 years to get to a healthy stable point. It is a complex balancing act right now. I am doing all that I can to not move to save my feet but I feel sad because I can’t get out. Sounds bad doesn’t it… Continue Reading…
Life on the precipice
I seem to always find myself in this place every time I have have a surgery or a setback where I feel trapped. I have lost my abilities to go out on my own, drive wherever and whenever I want, and workout at the gym. It is very difficult for me right now to wait. I know that God is building my faith and patience up during this time but I never enjoy it because I have to give up my will and let God lead. Letting God lead has gotten easier through all these trifle episodes I so frequently find myself aquatinted so personally with. Submitting my will and desire is difficult but I truly believe that the refinement that God is imparting is for a higher purpose. Continue Reading…
