Illness, sorrow, and despair while trusting God and asking Him why

I am frustrated because i cant see the doctor til tomorrow. My biggest fear right now is that i will have to have surgery to pin the toe. I seem to know when something is wrong that requires surgeries and i have that feeling right now. How many emotional beatings can i take? I feel so beaten down right now both physically and mentally. I think people can not fathom what I feel and cannot understand how a soul can feel so beaten after 5 years of relentless illness, sorrow, and despair. Right now I long for death to know that i am out of all this physical pain. I know God has a purpose in all that happens in my life and i am thankful that NOTHING happens in vain, but a human mind still wonders why. Well please be praying that God’s will is done.